Imprisoned.
So much of my life feels like it is on the wrong side of the bars. Perhaps my whole life.
When I was younger, and still “on fire for God,” I was certain that I would make a difference. Lead a church. Plant a ministry among the urban poor. Live a life of radical discipleship. Have joy.
Now, I’m just a failed Christian. Trapped inside the bars. Bars of depression which rob me of joy. Bars of responsibility which limit the choices we can make as a family. Bars related to the choices I have made in my life which have foreclosed avenues that I might have taken at 25. Bars of failed expectations which prevent me from being satisfied with the life I have been given.
What do I do with this? I’m older, and hopefully a bit wiser, and no longer believe that I need to be Mr. Super Radical Christian in order to win God’s favor (something that is unwinnable, since there is no need to win it). But I still have this nagging feeling that I have allowed myself to become imprisoned and it is only myself who forecloses those avenues.
What is worse, I worry that I am building the bars around my wife and my children as well.
Lord Christ, who came to proclaim release to the captives.
Release me.
Grant me vision to know
the things in our life which have become bars
and the things which are gifts from you.
Break down the bars which separate us from the kingdom you are birthing in this world.
Heal my pain, my sorrow, and my apathy.
Bring life to this old, failed Christian.
Lord have mercy.
Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.
Amen.
I was emailing you about the Angels when I stumbled upon your blog (again). I always appreciate your perspective, especially because it is so reflective and frank.
All have fallen short of the glory of God. but your not a failed Christian, when you fall down you pick your self back up. and know that he is God and the Bible tells us when Jesus died sin died with him and he rose again giving all a chance at a new life, so no matter What you may or may not do right, you are always loved by God because when he looks at you he sees his son pierced and bruised on the cross for all your sins. There is much mercy and grace in the blood of Jesus Christ be encouraged and never ever give up God bless you…