Today is one of those days that I don’t believe any of it.
Now, days like these don’t come easily. Because I have experienced Great Love that I can only ascribe to what I call God. I still think that there is something other, greater, beyond; that is at the center of all that is and in the end is good.
But apparently, that otherness bears no relation to all of the happy-clappy bullshit I was taught in church.
Because apparently, there is no one coming to rescue us. There is no one coming to break down walls. There is no one to wipe away every tear. There is no one who understands what we’re going through. There is no one to defend the poor and oppressed. There is no one to side with the outcast. There is no one who fights on our behalf.
Because at the end of the day, the rich and powerful get more rich and powerful. The oppressors consolidate their power. The Christians seek to hurt more people in the name of their god. People of all types and religions seek to commit genocide in the name of people of all other types and religions. And people of no religion do the same. We continue to kill our planet. And Christians are the most outspoken advocates of its death.
How could I believe any of this in the face of such great evil, where the people who claim to be religious participate in just as much of that evil as those who claim no religion at all?
Where is God in all of this?
Yes, I have theological tools to help answer these questions. I have become convinced that some version of process theology/open and relational theology is the best way of describing a God that is apparently loving from my experience but also very, very unable to stop suffering in the world.
But it still leaves me with questions.
* Is it even meaningful to have a loving God if that loving God is unable to stop suffering in the world?
* Is there any reason for there to be a church when the church just can’t quit its racism, homophobia, and Christian nationalism that seeks to impose its narrow interpretation of the Bible on everyone by force?
* Why would I have been given a glimpse into an incredible love and then shortly thereafter discover that apparently that love stops short of actually being able to help in times of trouble?
So, on the one hand, I think it’s all complete bullshit. But at the same time, I can’t escape the beauty that I have been shown in the past. And so I sit here, not believing anything but being unable to stop believing. Hoping against hope that at some point all of this darkness becomes luminous darkness and doesn’t just swallow me whole.